１、２、３、４、５、６、７、８、９
KIMMY
But I can't be dry.
JULIANNE
Can you watch the road?
KIMMY
See. Dry. It's in the delivery.
She looks back to the highway.
KIMMY
This is a very presumptuous
and burdensome fav...
JULIANNE
... you want a menage on your
wedding night.
KIMMY (straight back)
No, that wouldn't be burdensome.
Julianne studying the delicate, angular profile. Hard not to like
this kid.
KIMMY
My classmate Angelique shattered
her pelvis line dancing in
Abeline on Spring Break.
Looks over. The sweetest smile.
KIMMY
Be my maid of honor.
Julianne just blinks.
KIMMY
You can't believe what it'd
cost to bring in a temp.
JULIANNE
Uh. How about promoting a
bridesmaid? Someone you know
for at least forty-five minutes.
We CUT OFF a huge SEMI who BLASTS his horn. Kimmy fearless,
oblivious, and analytical...
KIMMY
The bridesmaids are my only two
female relatives under forty.
Identical twin debutantes from
Nashville, who are basically
vengeful sluts. With amazing
bodies!
JULIANNE
Which was the disqualifying
factor?
KIMMY
The twin part. I like to remain
impartial in my contempt.
Sees the off-ramp, and SLICES across FOUR LANES of speeding bullets
in a heart-stopping nanosecond. This kid could drive for Penske.
Julianne has to pound her chest to get her heart started. Looks
back to see if Michael fell out...
... he is absurdly wind-blown. Gives her a beautiful grinning
thumbs-up. Loves this stuff.
KIMMY
This means I have four days
to make you my new best friend...
Brings Julianne's eyes back...
KIMMY
And since I already know everything
about you. Including intimate
facts I'm mortified to have heard,
but too envious to forget. It's
time for you to learn about me...
Easing off the freeway. She meets Julianne's glance...
KIMMY
Force yourself. To get personal.
JULIANNE (smiles)
Sounds like a plan.
INT. DRESS SHOP, NORTH MICHIGAN AVENUE - MORNING
The place is stunning. High-ceiling, soft light, large rococo
mirrors, Louis Quatorze sofas and chairs. Michael wanders rest- lessly, fish out of water among designer displays and stylish
female patrons.
Takes a look at his watch.
INT. DRESSING ROOM - MORNING
A period sitting room, ringed with mirrors along its tapestried
walls. Kimmy sits on a Louis Treize loveseat next to a stack of
costly gowns. Watching with an expertise beyond her years, as...
... Julianne stands on a platform. A seamstress fitting her into a
sleek pale daffodil-colored gown. There are pins everywhere, as
the seamstress struggles toward a perfect fit. Continuously
looking to Kim for approval.
KIMMY
If you'd rather the lilac...
Julianne shakes her head. This one is beautiful.
JULIANNE
I thought bridesmaids had to wear
the same dress.
KIMMY
Not you. You won't be comfortable
unless you're distinctive.
Julianne glances over.
JULIANNE
What else did he tell you...
KIMMY
... you hate weddings, you never go.
Oh. Well, yeah.
KIMMY
You're not up for anything
conventional, or popularly
assumed to be female priorities.
Including marriage. Or romance.
Or even...
And she stops. Not wanting to offend.
JULIANNE (quietly)
... not even love.
The look holds. The seamstress keeps working, as if she's deaf.
JULIANNE
That's why Michael and I were
the wrong fit. Right from the
start.
KIMMY
He said that, too.
She stands up. Walks to the platform. Smooths her hand over the
fabric down Julianne's back, along her hips. Communicating to the
seamstress with her irritated expression.
KIMMY
Well, I thought I was like you.
And proud to be. Until I met
rumpled, smelly old Michael...
Pins start to come out. Kimmy points, these, too!
KIMMY
And then I found I was just a
sentimental schmuck. Like all
those flighty nitwits I'd always
pitied.
She leans forward. So they can look at each other.
KIMMY
Funny world, huh?
Julianne swallows. It is that.
JULIANNE
I need a smoke.
And before anyone can breathe, she steps OFF the platform RIPPING
the living shit out of the gown, right down the side. The seam-
stress' eyes FLASH OPEN in abject horror. Julianne, a deer in
headlights, looks quickly around at the evidence of her screw-up in
six different mirrors.
Kimberly just steps to her, fingers the tear...
KIMMY
It's mostly the seam. Let's
get this to Carlos.
And UNZIPS Julianne down the back. In her rush to step out,
Julianne STUMBLES, but her arms are pinned by the pulled-down dress
and she just...
... TOPPLES like a felled oak, THUDDING on her face, the gown
RIPPING some more, the seamstress SCREAMING like an idiot.
Then. Silence. Julianne looking up helplessly, a trussed hog,
bound in her dress.
KIMMY (firm)
Just. Don't. Move.
Like you talk to a three-year-old. Deftly, Kimmy pulls the
dress free, leaving Julianne in her underwear. Signals to the
seamstress, let's go.
JULIANNE
Don't you have to be somewh...
KIMMY
... just my bridal shower. And
Michael has to meet our dads and
the groomsmen at Comiskey for a
one-thirty game.
Opens the door...
KIMMY
Other than that...
Closed SOLID. Gone.
INT. DRESSING ROOM - LATER
Julianne sits on the loveseat in her bra and panties, lighting one
cigarette from the butt of another. Suddenly, she hears...
... an ARGUMENT outside the door. Strains to listen. It does sound
like Michael and Kim. We can't make out the words. She jumps up,
dashes for the door, STUBBING her toe on the platform, SHIT!, falls
heavily AGAINST the door with a THUD that makes her wince, and...
... the argument stops. Damn. She opens the door a crack. Sees
nothing. Opens it wider to reveal...
... a teenaged BOY looking right at her. He sends a true shit-
eating grin and she SLAMS the door hard enough to RATTLE walls.
She PACES furiously, helplessly, arms around her half-naked self,
until...
... soft knock. The door opens a crack, and her daffodil gown
comes through it.
JULIANNE
Come in, and shut the...
Stops. Because it's Michael who has entered. With the dress.
JULIANNE
... door.
So he does. She flushes and SNATCHES up her own clothes, which
were characteristically tangled in a heap, and tries desperately to
untangle them enough to cover herself. He is amazed and amused by
her embarrassment.
MICHAEL (laughing)
Should I turn around, or someth...
JULIANNE
Michael, I'm in my underwear!
She's TEARING at her clothes, only making more of a mess.
MICHAEL
We've seen each other a lot
more naked than this.
She seems ready to rip her clothes apart, so he gently takes them
from her hands. She tries to stand unselfconsciously as he easily
untangles them.
MICHAEL
I mean, we were skinny-dipping
in Greece, just as pals, less
than two years ago.
She GRABS the clothes and covers the front of herself. Looking at
him with a mix of emotions she couldn't begin to sort out.
JULIANNE
Things are different now.
He looks in her eyes. And nods, a little sadly. Guess they are.
MICHAEL (softly)
Well. I leave with two thoughts
in my mind.
He walks to the door. Puts his hand on the latch. Looks back...
MICHAEL (even softer)
You're still a very pretty
girl.
The look holds. And holds. There is such feeling on both sides,
she doesn't know what to make of it. She swallows.
JULIANNE
What's the sec...
MICHAEL
Mirrors.
And he's gone. She looks around at six different VIEWS of her
uncovered backside. Hmm.
INT. HOTEL UNDERGROUND GARAGE - DAY
The parking valets wait by their stand as the convertible pulls up.
These girls must be late for something, the way they're jumping out
of the car.
JULIANNE
... luckiest guy in the Northern
Fucking Hemisphere, is all I'm s...
KIMMY
What? Because I'm a little
understand...
JULIANNE
... most sentimental schmucks I
pity want a honeymoon after their
wedding. Just to top it off.
The valet gives Kimmy her ticket.
KIMMY
I can't expect the NBA to hold
up the playoffs...
They're walking fast toward the garage elevators...
KIMMY
I'm excited Sports Illustrated
gave him this kind of shot, he's
only there a ye...
JULIANNE
So your honeymoon is exactly where?
Well...
KIMMY
It depends. If San Antonio sweeps
Sacramento, we could start there.
Or Phoenix. Or depending on Indiana- Clevel...
JULIANNE
... garden sports, all. Little swing
of maybe fifty degrees Fahrenheit,
represents a packing challenge, but
there's fine food and cocktails at a
choice of Embassy Suit...
At the elevator. Kimmy SLAMS the button.
KIMMY
It's his career, I'm supportive.
Look, I've been everywhere, I've
seen the world, I've laid on a beach.
I want to be with the man I love.
That's what makes it a honeymoon.
End of story. Okay?
JULIANNE
I'm just saying he's lucky.
An empty elevator arrives. They get in.
JULIANNE
Takes one woman in a billion to
put up with his array of shit.
The guy is a one-man festival of idiosync...
Kimmy SLAMS the penthouse button. Looks at her calmly. Go on.
JULIANNE
Well. You've been introduced
to the symphonic range of...
KIMMY
... his snoring, yeah. He says
it's worse than ever. That
snaffle one...?
Julianne imitates an incredibly annoying high-pitched SNARL. Three
times. Kimmy nods.
KIMMY
Well now it has this sorta
phlegm rattle behind it...
Stopped at the lobby. A family of four gets in. Oblivious, Kimmy
DEMONSTRATES the phlegm rattle. Really gets into it. As the
family watches, Julianne tries her own version. Like that? No.
More like this. The family is looking at each other.
KIMMY
Guess what? Earplugs work.
Oh.
JULIANNE
How about...
KIMMY
... cigars in bed? I broke him
on that. But the bathroom's a
swamp, he wears Reeboks to dinner,
tells the same, admittedly funny,
jokes three hundred times...
Sucks in a breath...
KIMMY
... loves action movies, subscribes
to Playboy for godsake, reads over
my shoulder, can't keep track of
the checks he writes...
Ninth floor. The family gets out. The door closes.
KIMMY
He sucks soup through his
front teeth.
JULIANNE
A trademark move, don't touch
it.
KIMMY
But he sure can kiss.
JULIANNE
It's been awhile. I'll take
your word.
KIMMY
After two weeks of cataloguing
all his faults, I made a command
decision that changed my life.
She SLAMS the EMERGENCY STOP button. We JOLT to a halt.
KIMMY
I threw the list away.
Shakes her head.
KIMMY
He's not a balance sheet, so
many wonderful qualities, so
many faults. He's Michael.
From her heart.
KIMMY
And loving him means loving
all of this.
JULIANNE
Do you get nervous in small
confined spaces?
KIMMY
So it's sweet of you to be
protective...
JULIANNE
Let me rephrase that...
KIMMY
But nothing ever could, ever
did, give me a moment's pause
about this marriage...
JULIANNE
Do you get hysterical in small
confined spa...
KIMMY
... except one.
Julianne's face. Stops.
JULIANNE
Oh, yeah?
Kimmy nods. Confides...
KIMMY
You.
A stopper.
KIMMY
You'll always be there. In his
mind. The perfect creature he
loved for all those y...
JULIANNE
Well, perfection can get wearing
after whi...
KIMMY
I'm not joking. I had to face
up to all my competitive drives,
and believe me, I've got 'em.
JULIANNE
No.
KIMMY
And the answer was so simple.
JULIANNE
I was gonna predict that.
KIMMY
You win.
Julianne blinks. Excuse me?
KIMMY
You're enshrined in his heart
and memory. Unassailable.
Which works out great.
JULIANNE
I've missed a step.
KIMMY
He has you on a pedestal. And
me in his arms.
Oh. Julianne smiles. LUNGES for the EMERGENCY button, YANKING it
so hard it comes OFF in her hand. A terrifying BUZZER ensures.
JULIANNE
Jesus, we're trapped!
KIMMY Ju...
JULIANNE
No, this happened to me once,
almost, it was excruciating!
Begins BANGING random buttons, out of control. Kimmy watching
this. Julianne looks WILDLY up...
JULIANNE
There's a panel up there, you
could boost me...
RIPPING off her platform shoes.
JULIANNE
You know how little air is
in these things? I've seen
statistics! Once you're trapped
between floors...
Kimmy taps her. Points to the lighted panel. It says PH, they've
reached the Penthouse.
JULIANNE
God! Then the door is jammed!
Takes a heavy platform and begins BANGING the metal door with all
her strength, sending resounding BOOMS throughout the area, as
Kimmy reaches and...
... presses DOOR OPEN. The metal doors part, opening directly onto
the banquet room, just as a mighty blow comes down, and the platform
FLIES from Julianne's hand straight BETWEEN...
... two identical stunning YOUNG WOMEN, serving as twin hostesses
for the shower. A beat of mutually-stupefied looks, and we hear
the shoe CRASH somewhere, to a small spattering of SHRIEKS.
MANDY
Mah Gawd, it's the bride,
and the woman she'll nevah
live up to!
KIMMY (mutters to Julianne)
That would be us.
SAMMY
Did she say th' wrong thang
agin? It is so in character!
AMANDA and SAMANTHA NEWHOUSE, 19-year-old twins. True Southern
belles, with the faces of angels and bodies made for hot oil
wrestling. Mandy's hair is dyed ash blonde, Sammy's is amber.
Otherwise, the experience is similar.
JULIANNE
(thrusts out her hand)
I'm Julianne Potter, and...
SAMMY
... we'd be the vengeful sluts.
We came in complementary colors.
MANDY
Have you sized up the groomsmen,
Jules? As M. of H., you get
first fuck. Don't pick the
short, hairy, rich one.
JULIANNE
... unless he has a hump.
The girls cast identical blank looks at Kimberly.
KIMMY (to the sluts)
Dry. I told you.
WOMAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
Is this Michael's Julianne?
All eyes turn to an elegant woman of barely 40. She has her
daughter's hair and eyes and slender form. But the bearing rules
half an empire. Fonda would envy.
ISABELLE
I'm Isabelle Wallace, and my
handsome new son scarcely did
you justice, girl.
She takes both of Julianne's hands, and our heroine is sort of
magically charmed. As if touched by Glinda the Good Witch of the
North.
ISABELLE
Now, my husband says to scoot
you over to the ballpark, so
you can hang with Michael. But
first, you have to meet a lot of
really old women.
Looking warmly in her eyes...
ISABELLE
That is, if you've absorbed
enough profanity.
Flicks a glance at the twins. Leads Julianne off...
MANDY (O.S., pouting)
We sayed one fuck.
INT. TAXI, SOUTH SIDE - DAY
Cab crawling toward COMISKEY PARK through stifling traffic.
Julianne oblivious, cellular to her ear...
JULIANNE
Desperate measures! Do you
hear me? Digger, are you the...
SQUAWK. Static. Then...
JULIANNE
I don't know, hit men, whoopee
cushions, saltpeter, something!
The girl is impossibly impregnable.
Even I want her to get the guy!!
Listens.
JULIANNE
Tell him the what? The truth...??
She shakes her head. What a guy.
JULIANNE
That desperate. May I never get.
INT. LUXURY BOX, COMISKEY PARK - AFTERNOON
Game in progress. Watched by Michael, three groomsmen his age, two
middle-aged men, and one bodyguard. Suddenly, a dull THUMPING at
the door. It keeps up. They finally all look over. The bodyguard
gets the door, revealing...
JULIANNE
Which of you gents ordered
two beers?
One single tray. Holding fourteen beers. Balancing on one hand.
Michael JUMPS UP, terrified at the impending mayhem this sight
suggests...
MICHAEL
Wow! Lemme give you a ha...
JULIANNE (sweetly)
Michael. You'll unwittingly
imply that I'm clumsy.
He stops in his tracks. The guys whistle.
MICHAEL
Think of that. And as well as
I know you.
She goes first to the bodyguard.
BODYGUARD
Sorry, ma'am, I'm on duty.
JULIANNE (lovely smile)
It's Miss. And thanks. That
leaves two for me.
Heads down the row...
MICHAEL
Julianne Potter, this is Hank
and Gerry from SI, and you know
Daniel...
She's nodding, flawlessly plucking two beers each from perimeter
of the tray, keeping the rest perfectly balanced in the center.
Michael is flat dumbstruck. Next, a tall patrician gentleman with
rolled-up sleeves on his hand-stitched silk shirt...
MICHAEL
Oh. This is my father-in-law,
Walter.
Once again, she gracefully plucks two beers for the distinguished
father-in-law...
MICHAEL
How are you doing this? You're
on drugs.
Sets them down. The man has a smile wonderful in its ease.
Murmurs...
WALTER
If he gives you grief, I'll have
him skillfully beaten, where the
wounds won't show.
JULIANNE
I guess getting him whacked would
be politically out of the question.
WALTER
Under the circumstances. Charmed
to know you, Jules.
JULIANNE
Nice meeting you, too, Walt.
A nod between equals. She moves on...
MICHAEL
And, this guy, you know...
She sure does, and effortlessly balancing her one-hand load, she
dips to kiss a porky, balding guy with big-time shoulders.
Straight on the lips.
JULIANNE
Papa Joe.
They go way back. He is uncomfortable at this rich man's wedding,
even as gracious as everyone has been. His watering eyes twinkle
at her, and the voice has a trace of Boston...
JOE
You gonna be my boy's best man?
Despite SHOUTS from the others...
JULIANNE
Best everything, Joe. But I'm
going to dance with you.
MICHAEL
Dance? You don't dance! You
learn to dance??
Her innocent smile.
JULIANNE
Moves. You've never seen.
BIG reaction from the guys, as she heads toward Michael with the
last of the beers, not looking down at the FIELDER'S MITT which
lies right in her path, and as his lips part to scream a warning,
she skips...
... neatly AROUND it. He's in shock.
MICHAEL
You're an impostor! What have
you done with my best friend?
As he takes away the remaining beers...
MICHAEL
And how was the hot dog?
Hot dog? His eyes fix on her left breast. HUGE mustard stain.
She can't believe it.
MICHAEL
Cheap and unnecessary. We were
looking anyway.
EXT. LUXURY BOX ROOF - DAY
Michael and Julianne sit with their beers on the edge of the luxury
box roof. The game, the stadium, spread out beneath them. Yet
they are alone in the world. She dangles her legs, and we can hear
her kicking the glass below.
JULIANNE
I just admire your maturity,
that's all. I mean, there are
people who would find that kind of
perfection boring. Day after day,
year after year...
MICHAEL
... see, that's what I thought at
first. How can you like someone
that perfect? No potential for
long-range livability.
Drinking their beers. Side by side. Both stare only at the game.
MICHAEL
Luckily. The closer I watched,
the more the fault came into
focus. Each imperfection its own
adorable slice of vulnerability.
JULIANNE
Such as.
１、２、３、４、５、６、７、８、９
